Wednesday, August 31, 2005 »
Hey Father! I know I'm going to talk to You soon, but I just felt like penning (typing) this down. Funny though, my heart felt as if theres so much to tell You, so much to say, so much to write and yet, I get stuck at the second sentence. Ironic? No. Guess I'm having the need to organize my thoughts, having the need to think of what to say so that whatever I write here, display the best that I feel now.
This past two years have been a blast, God. I was thinking back, back towards the past when I'm just a nobody. A forgotten person lost in a big crowd. A lonely person searching for things that can satisfy me. So many times, I searched in vain. So many times, I felt so disillusioned. Comfort I seek, Love I cry out, and yet, I didnt manage to find them. Looking back, I thought I was funny then. Looking back, I thought, I had everything I want. And yet, through it all, I found out, I actually have nothing at all.
Melancholy it may sound, but God, You know I felt so helpless then. I felt as if theres a million things going through my life but somehow, someway or another, I'm just floating through them, I couldnt catch hold of a single thing at all. I'm just drifting, drifting in a void filled with emptiness. How can something be filled with emptiness? I dont really know, but thats how I felt.
Breakups upon breakups. God, I felt really wounded then. I keep asking myself, why. Why must there be so many rules, why must there be so many guidelines to the life that I live in. Every step that I take, its as if they are all wrong. I'm just sinking deeper and deeper, deeper into the blackhole that was predesigned for me. Predesigned for everyone of us. Scratching the walls around me, I tried to keep myself from falling. By frantically searching for a hold of my life, I learnt, I learnt to clinged on to things that can fail me. These can sustain me, but ultimately, they cant stop me from falling. Sometimes, they even propelled me further down.
Love? Was I searching in the wrong area? Why must I always be the one being let down? Why do I keep plunging into the same shit over and over again?
Friends? Are they even my true friends? If yes, why are they so superficial at times? Why must there be a need for me to put on a mask so everyone loves me, that I will feel accepted? How come theres a feeling of belong and yet, at the same time, it seems so fragile and unreal? Is this what friendship is all about? Being fake and faker to one another?
Family? I think I hated my brother then. Why must he always be the one to raise stupid issues at times that turned the whole house upside down? Why must my father be so bad tempered? Why cant my mother be more understanding?
So many things. To think I only lived 16 years of my life only. There were days where I will just stare into the ceiling and think. Think of everything and nothing at the same time. There were days where I can just indulged myself in obsessions just to have that tinge of satisfaction.
And yet, in my messed up life, God You looked at me.
I dont know why, seriously I dont. Then, when I'm just a guy whose life seemed so wasted, who in his entire life dont ever once believed that You existed, who blasphemized You for all I care. Yet Your eyes found me, and landed on me. You saw through my emptiness, You saw through my facade.
Have You been always looking for me, God?
Calling to me? Reaching out to me?
God, You actually reached out Your hands and pulled me from all the mess I've been facing. God, You took away the dirt on my body, and You clothed me in Your righteousness. God, You gave me friends that I can keep for eternity, that I know and I know, that I can trust them with all my heart. God, You somehow, make everything right in my life. Just with a snap of Your fingers.
Most of all, God, You really loved me with all of Your heart. Even now, as I'm typing this, I can feel Your warmth, Your love, Your faithfullness surrounding me, lifting my spirit.
God, those times when I tell You I loved You, I really mean it.
I looked back and when I look at this long road behind me. At the beginning, it was a road that was black and dulled for 16 full years, but, right in the middle, is a road thats white and pure. And I'm standing on it right now. You, God, led me onto this path, led me onto this journey, this adventure with You.
The times when I slipped on this new found life, this new gift of life which You gave me, You never fail to reach out Your hands again and pull me back.
Thank You Father, for the miracles You've done in my life. Thank You Father, for just, everything. Though things may not always be perfect, but when I have You, its just perfect for me, I'm satisfied. You've been a great Teacher. Happy Teacher's day!
Most importantly, You've been a great Friend, a great Lover of my soul.
I love You, I really do. With all of my heart, with all that I am.
For the long road thats ahead of me, walk with me and guide me. You are everything that I desire, everything that I long for.
Lover of Jesus,
P.S : God I really want my family to be saved. I felt that time is really running out. Theres this sense of urgency coming and this huge burden thats set in my heart. God, I pray for open doors and open heavens upon this household. I pray for boldness for me to reach out to them, to their hearts. God, I really cry out to You this time that You will answer this prayer.
God, I also want to spread Your love to the people that I know. To my friends, I want to see them in heaven on day, Lord. Come and use me Father. I place myself on the altar of sacrifice. Whatever it takes, I want to touched people's lives. I want to fulfill my destiny in Christ. My God-given destiny.
I have a dream, that one day when I go up to heaven, I will see, people whom I loved, people who are part of my life-story on this earth, people I may have seen before or people I may not have seen before. Thats all I desire Lord, to complete the task that you set before me.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005 »
im stunned lar..
someone paying for my graduation night ticket.. $85.. oh my.. i really dont know what to say. That and the fact that God told the person to bless me. I sincerely thank God for the goodness He showered on me..and the blessing of giving me such a wonderful friend.
my daddy offered to buy the sony ericsson W800i for me. but my family income is average..not that good but still.. im just very glad lar. i was happy at first, but after a while, i thought, maybe i shouldnt have it. not very good. so yeah. i decided not to have it. heh after all i got a hp le lar.
i love my walk with God.
Saturday, August 27, 2005 »
Cellgroup was a new dimension! it was like, heaven manifesting right in briony's living room. The presence of God was so tangible, the power of God was so powerful, the love of God was saturated in the entire place. It was something, something which we never felt in a long, long time.
We need Father God.
We need Jesus.
We need the Holy Spirit.
"Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the LORD," Jeremiah 29:12-14a
There was a shift in the paradigm of the cell group's atmosphere. To start with, praise was totally awesome. We stood up and jumped around. We were few, but we were hungry. The joy of the Lord flooded the place. Many times, we hear, we know that it was during times when we dont feel like praising God, when we are in the valleys of our lives, that when we really praise God with all our hearts. That, was when the praise is really sacrificial. That, was when the praise is a sweet aroma unto God. That, was when the praise touches God's heart. We came today, with our burdens, of school work, of broken dreams, of insecurities.
We came today, burdened, hardpressed from all sides.
We came today, not knowing what to do with the problems we faced.
We came today, to find, to seek, our Father in heaven, in unity, as E310, as a body of Christ.
We came today, to shed our workloads, our masks, everything, and become real before Him.
We came today, to experience a touch from heaven.
Like the pslamist david said in Psalms 62:8 "Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us"
When we focus on God, in our praise, in our worship. When we cry out to Him that we need Him so much right now, and forevermore. When we really pour our hearts and trust in Him to save us from the valleys, to be the light that shines at the end of the tunnel. Thats when God moves.
And He really did move, today. In a mighty, mighty way indeed.
During the whole meeting, i was feeling electrified. I was having the expectancy that God is going to do something great today. And boy, did He did a great thing.
Members fell under the power of God. Members weep in the love of God.
I noticed, that having the faith is not enough. Having faith only is nothing without love. Who is the first person you run to when you faced some difficulties. Not someone whom you hate. Not someone whom you scorn. But someone whom you loved and trust.
Loving God in your mind is one thing. And loving God in your heart is another different thing, it is an encounter with Him, an experience of Him. Knowing God is good, but without ever experiencing Him before is bad. Many, many people only knew God inside their minds. There can be this one occassion when they experienced God before, but that encounter was forgotten, through times of stagnant-ness, through times of trials. If God is not the first One whom you ran to when troubles come, you dont love and trust Him at all.
But God is good. One touch from heaven, He can take away all doubts, all tireness, all stagnant-ness what replaces them is awe, is reverance, and the feeling of being loved. Loved by God. This feeling of love stirs up our heart to love back, to return this divine love, this unselfish love.
Thats what happened today. Members got reassured by God that He is there for them. That He sees, He knows the things they are going through. He hears the cries of their hearts, He felt sad for them when they are down and He rejoices with them when they are happy. That God is always there for them.
Slaining in the Spirit. Falling under the power of God. Words of Wisdom. Words of Knowledge.
What came next was Fullness of joy in the Lord.
It came, after God ministered to jolene, our beloved leader who intercede for us, who constantly burdened for us, who stood in the gap for the cell group constantly. The joy of the Lord filled her and the atmosphere changed again. This time, Joy filled the house.
Jolene hit me on my arm and instantly, joy of the Lord came upon me. Joy that is so different from that of the world. Joy that is from God. The Holy Spirit moved in the place, people started laughing now, instead of crying. Laughters filled the place. The Holy Spirit saturated the place. It was a much yearned for manifestation of God. It was a longed for encounter with God, as a cell group, as E310.
I think I got six abs after that.
Things that happened today:
1) Pamela ( only a 3 weeks believer so far) got slain in the Spirit!
2) Emily kept on trembling even after she got slain in the Spirit. (Last I heard, shes still trembling now)
3) Holy Spirit touched briony without jolene even touching her.
4) Max is the catcher today.
I love Jesus. I thank You Lord for the wonderful things You've done in my life.
I love Jolene, a leader who cared for me.
I love E310, my cell group who strive to make a difference in the world, to love God and people fervently.
Giddy's off. to neverland. well, not that never, but somewhere close though.
Gid! I miss you!!
Kaoxiong. Or high bear for that matter. 2 weeks of mountain terrains and isolation, dont think i can ever survive that man. its like, the unattainable mountain for me. -shudders-
today i met a few nice and weird people today.
1) Mic's nice teacher. Mr..what's his name? nevermind that, i thought he was quite a good cher though, praise the Lord for such a caring teacher.
2) The nice cabby uncle. He looks like some actor from hongkong. hmmm..but the merc cab was very cool, shiny and sleek. I like I like.
3) Giddy's mummy and daddy who offered us to drive us home. so sweet of them!
4) The 7-11 guy who winked at me when I offered to carry Briony's sanitary bags. she bought 4 or 5 different brands. According to yanling, it will last about 3 months. Girls..
I asked God for wisdom today. Its about time I asked Him that and I felt God nodding His head when I prayed for that. Ah well. Bible says man without wisdom is foolishness. I shall cease to act stupid from now on and be real real real smart. Papa God!! I wan open heavens for my mind. Make me smart smart ok? I want 4As together!
Me and Michelle formed the jellyfish club. Our form of communication is jelly jelly
. We officially invented the jelly dance. Briony joined the Trinity Alliance and designed the Jelly walk with me at the airport. Cool huh? I think we have a talent for such thing.
Jen got holy laughter during worship today. yah, you know what happened. It caused me to be so deep in worship. Then again, liars dont go to heaven. Hmm.. I want to go to heaven! so...
Monday, August 22, 2005 »
ermm seriously i dont know why i stick to this layout.
personally, i find it yucky.
abit too girly.
but i like the marquee thingy at the top. sigh.
and the bus stop.
im so going to miss giddy for the next 1 month or so!
boooo! hes my fave mentor and fren..though he included the endless moments of suaning me but i still love him nevertheless. btw, i love micky too.. since shes a regular reader of my insignificant blog in a big blogger society.
i did some embarrassing things during cg like.. u noe "overexcitedly" singing and stuffs. sigh. so malu!! somemore it was so quiet during that time too! i should have twisted it to something else man. arGHz.
i woke up late today. i name this as my "consolidating work" day.
going off to study now.
Sunday, August 21, 2005 »
dare to be who you are..
when others mock at you, because you exist not for them but for God
when friends are critical, because no one can change who you are
when people are superficial, because they arent worth knowing
when peers dont believe in you, because God does
when dreams are shattered, pick yourself up and continue walking
dont lose your identity in the crowd;
dont lose your identity in your friends;
dont lose your identity in your work;
dont lose your identity by making your own identity;
dont try to be someone you cant be..
because a stranger will be at the other side of the mirror the next time you reflect.
because friends are your friends not because of someone else, but because of you.
time to sleep.
Wednesday, August 10, 2005 »
im feeling super sad right now.
lost my whole stack of trigo notes. sigh
i bought 15 books today!
they were like so freaking cheap!
omg! i think im a sucker at shopping. cant control myself or curb my spendings!
the books just kept turning up!! oh no!!
anyway, i think chuck palahniuk is a sick sick author. he completely enthralls my mind and twists it in such a way that is uncomprehendable. hes absolutely disgusting. argh. but he did captures the ID factor of the human ego as said Freud. totally compelling. i even had to struggle (briefly) to keep my eyes off the book! im switching to alice hoffman now.
okok.. its 345 and im not asleep yet. how exciting. -rolls eyes-
im holed up in my room like a complete drug addict trying to acidly stir my mind towards sleepdom. helplessly, everything's been done in vain.
im enslaved by mind awareness! HeLP!
okie im lame
Tuesday, August 09, 2005 »
caught the last 30min segment of the ndp on the television and the tvmobile just now.
kudos to the organizers! i thought it was superbly done! showcased a vibrant and energetic singapore! i believed singapore truly lives up to what the Tourism board wants to bring to the world..being - Uniquely You.
singapore is unique. i love the order. i love the government. i love the people. i love the diversity. i love the smallness and cosy feeling singapore emits.
i think what makes singapore truly different from the rest of the world is not the fabled Lee dynasty or the socialist state the world proclaimed us. rather, i think its the success of this nation and the culture it brings that really makes her unique.
we were not born of a long legacy, we werent celebrating our 100 years of independence. neither do we have 5000 years of history. we're only 40 and yet, we've come so far, and dealt with so much.
we had our own taste of terrorism. our own financial crisis. our own victory at the olympics. world class ports and the likes. we held world class events. we even had our own taste of a SARS epidemic.
previously, i will think that singaporeans will falter in times of distress. that we lived in a place with too much comfort and shelter. with complacency hanging in the air. all we know is to make full use of time with we have, to make money, have children, have big houses, and make it big. we are just too pampered!
but after what i seen today, i think that singaporeans will stay strong and firm in troubled times. the blood that was shed by our forefathers, the same blood, is running in our veins today. they fought for this land with their blood, and we will fight for this same land with ours, if the need arises.
i believe in unity.
i believe in this open heaven of Singapore.
i believe in God bless this haven.
Sunday, August 07, 2005 »
I believe in the risen Saviour...
CHC newest album entitled "Cross" was out on 5th of August! wheee! It totally rox my sox!
Im super hyped up right now!
like my pal in tjc saes, its a circular theory! whatever that goes, will always comes around! unexpectedly! but in my belief, God's in it!
Ever wondered how God managed to link everything in your life in one swift motion? friends you never thought you will see again, will be in church! things you want to get, friends will get it for you! frens you thought you will never in your whole life be caught dead with, turned out to be your best of pals! God works wonders, he never fails to captivate me!
i just got a whiffed of my purpose in life..dunno whether its the right path for me to take..pray through with me yeah? not expecting to make a decision yet..but i want to know whether this is God's direction for my life..
Tuesday, August 02, 2005 »
My wish list for this year:
1) A samsung D500 Hp
2) A Digitial Camera (preferable 5.1 megapixels and above)
3) An Ipod Mini
4) A laptop
5) A new cupboard for my books
6) Files for my notes
7) A new printer
loads more coming up..LoL havent think much yet